


The Worst That Can Happen

by Sapphy, SapphyWatchesYouSleep (Sapphy)



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel (Movies), Marvel 616, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: (no really in the comics he actually does become a ninja), AO3 Fundraiser Auction, Clint is a ninja, Crack, Deadpool would make the best Avenger, Don't Have to Know Canon, Fights, Gen, Humor, I like writing Clint, Sparring, Suitable for Deadpool virgins, Tasha has all the gadgets, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, abuse of Clint's lovely bow, too many obscure 616 references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 12:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/SapphyWatchesYouSleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> "In most cases, the best strategy for a job interview is to be fairly honest, because the worst thing that can happen is that you won't get the job and will spend the rest of your life foraging for food in the wilderness and seeking shelter underneath a tree or the awning of a bowling alley that has gone out of business." - Lemony Snicket </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Deadpool applies for the Avengers. The initial interview does not go as intended.</p><p> </p><p>(From the prompt: And for one brief shining moment, Deadpool was a part of the Avengers Initiative.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst That Can Happen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrkPhoenyx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrkPhoenyx/gifts).
  * Translation into Русский available: [Худшее, что может быть](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641928) by [naid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/naid/pseuds/naid)



> Extensive notes will be extensive.
> 
> Officially this is a movie!verse fic, but it references some pretty obscure 616 stuff, so here's a quick run down of the references.
> 
> 616 - the main Marvel comics Universe
> 
> Shatterstar - time travelling swordsman with a mullet, invented in the 80s. People seem to like him now, but he used to be a dick
> 
> Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch - twin children of Magneto. Both have been members of the 616 Avengers at various times
> 
> Moondragon - powerful psychic mutant who once used her powers to make Thor her sex slave
> 
> Danger Room - basically a psychotic holodeck. The X-Men use one to try out battles in VR before risking them in RL
> 
> She-Hulk (Jennifer Walters) - Bruce Banner's first cousin, transformed after receiving a blood transfusion from him (apparently there's no health and safety in comics). In her early appearances she was aware that she was in a comic, even going so far as to kidnap her own writer when she didn't like the stories. Later this was declared too silly, and dropped.
> 
> Doctor Bong - yes the 616 really does contain an evil psychiatrist with a bell for a head, and yes he really is the nemesis of a sentient duck. Comics are really fucking weird.
> 
> Yellena Belova - Black Widow II. Look her up. She gets a bitching costume. (Fans of Deadpool's 2010 run will no doubt remember the incident I refer to)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks to ekelleyswift for the beta. All remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> Credit for the blocking out of the fight scene goes to the wonderful commanderjato
> 
>  
> 
> All blame should be directed to me, and all credit to DrkPheonix, who commissioned this

The inside of Clint’s cheek is starting to bleed – he’s been biting it to keep from laughing – but it is absolutely worth it. Without a doubt, bribing Tony and JARVIS into adding Deadpool to the list of potential Avengers new recruits is the best idea he has ever had. Fury already looks like he’s about to have an aneurism, and Cap is popping Tylenol like they’re candy.

Tony catches his eye and gives him a thumbs up. Evidently at least one of the team agrees with him on this.

He doesn’t actually think Deadpool would make a bad Avenger. He’s an experienced fighter, he’s got superpowers and he’s not actively evil. Compared to some of the names on Coulson’s list (Shatterstar, really?) he’s practically the perfect candidate. On the other hand, the muscle under Tash’s eye is twitching, never a good sign, and Deadpool’s somehow convinced Thor that he can see the future. (Despite his familiarity with inter-stellar travel, and having Loki as a brother, both schizophrenia and alternate universes theory are something Thor seems incapable of grasping, and he insists on taking Deadpool’s more nonsensical ramblings about ‘the 616’ as predictions).

His prank is at least half fuelled by childish resentment. He doesn’t want more team-members, he’s still getting used to the ones he’s got, but expanding the team was Cap’s idea, so naturally Coulson loves it. Never mind that it’s not SHIELD’s team, not really, never mind that Clint, Natasha and Bruce all feel it’s too early to be introducing new members (Tony is ambivalent and Thor just likes meeting new people).

They’re doing, for want of a better term, job interviews, with the potential candidates, a little getting- to-know-you chat, followed by a session in the simulator Fury’d blackmailed out of the X-Men (Clint now knows way more about the Summers family’s sex lives than he ever ever needed to) to test their compatibility in battle.

So far they’ve interviewed Iron Fist (stupid name, stupid costume, and they really don’t need another fighter whose speciality is smashing shit), Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, who came as a pair and creeped Clint the hell out (he was going to suggest to Coulson that their relationship with their wanted terrorist father made them a liability), and a really freaky looking chick calling herself Moondragon, who mostly seemed to be there to hit on Thor, much to Tony’s amusement and Cap’s annoyance. (Thor seemed largely oblivious to her attentions).

Everyone’s tired and annoyed, a long day of disappointments, possible incest and horny psychics (and when powerful psychics get horny, everyone in their vicinity soon knows about it), when Deadpool is shown in by one of the SHIELD newbies (officially there are rules against Coulson using the new recruits as his personal slaves, but since no one except Coulson has actually read the rule-book, no one objects). Deadpool is describing an assassination he’d been involved in in graphic detail – the newbie looks like he’s about to throw up.

“Mi amigos!” Deadpool exclaims happily, taking the free seat and tipping it back, resting his boots on the table. “How’s it hanging?”

“Mr Wilson,” Cap says, frowning at the feet as though he’s trying to move them using only the power of his mind, “Thank you for coming.”

“Hey, the Avengers call, I come running. I used to have underoos with you on them. When I was a kid I mean. Nowadays I’m all about the Iron Man boxers.” He winks at Tony. “Who wouldn’t want your face on their junk, after all?”

Tony’s jaw twitches, which Clint has learnt to recognize means that he’s trying really hard not to laugh.

“So let me see I’ve got this right,” Deadpool says, pointing at each of the team in turn. “We’ve got Superman, the Iron Giant, Spider woman, Katniss Everdeen, the puppy from the Andrex commercials and the absinthe fairy, right?”

Bruce chuckles. “Something like that,” he agrees. “And you’re Wade Winston Wilson, aka the mercenary known as Deadpool.”

“That’s me,” Deadpool agrees. “The one and only.”

“Why don’t you tell us a little about yourself?” Bruce asks.

“Eh, not much to tell,” Deadpool says with a shrug. “Miserable childhood, mercenary work, cancer, the Canadian government did horrible experiments on me, made me into the fine specimen of manhood you see before you, _no, shut up, I’m telling this story asshat,_ more mercenary work. That’s pretty much it.”

Clint gets the distinct impression that half of what Deadpool had just said hadn’t been addressed to them.

He’d come across Deadpool a few years earlier, when he was sent to assassinate someone who’d hired the mercenary as a bodyguard. They’d spent three days circling one another, sparring physically and verbally, before Deadpool had done Clint’s job for him, shot his client straight through the head, seemingly because the man had ostracized his own son when he discovered he was a cross-dresser. Apparently it was a subject Deadpool had strong feelings about.

They haven’t met since, but Deadpool is hard to forget, and when Coulson had started compiling the list, he’d been the first name Clint thought of. If anyone can convince Cap this is a bad idea, it’s Deadpool.

“I understand you mostly do mercenary work,” Cap says sternly. He has views on mercenaries.

“Yeah,” Deadpool agrees. “You want a government overthrown or an ex-boyfriend assassinated, I’m your man. Not that I think you’ve got any ex-boyfriends,” he adds quickly. “I’m sure that stuff about you and Bucky was just gossip. And even if you did, you wouldn’t hire someone to assassinate them. You’re an upright kinda guy, you probably do your own dirty work. _No, you shut up!_ Do you think crabs think we walk sideways?”

“I think it’s unlikely that they ever think about it,” Bruce says, and he’s grinning now, and holy shit, Clint might have accidentally recruited Deadpool to the Avengers, he seriously hadn’t meant to do that… “Have you ever had a psych eval, Wade?”

“Well, I saw Doctor Bong a while back, when I was hallucinating this chick with milk, and some rabbits. And I was in an institution for a bit, but my Doc was a freaking psycho, released me so we could elope or something, which was fucking stupid. Not the eloping, I mean, she wasn’t my type, like, at all, but I can’t help that I have that effect on women. But releasing me? Totally stupid.”

Cap looks like someone’s just force-fed him a live cat, and Tony’s biting his fist to keep from laughing.

“I don’t think I’ve heard of Doctor Bong,” Natasha says, speaking for the first time.

“Really? I mean, he’s pretty hard to forget. Got a bell for a head, employed a sentient duck as a servant. Got the shit beaten out of him by She-Hulk, back when she was still crazy… _Yeah, I miss that too. It’s hard work being the only meta character these days._ ”

“My friend,” Thor exclaims happily, reaching across the table to clap Bruce on the shoulder, “It seems you are indeed to have a mate!”

Deadpool’s face screws up under his mask. “Are you trying set the Doc up with She-Hulk?” he demands. “Because that’s a bad idea. Really really bad. I mean, retard hulk babies? No one wants that. No one.”

“Wade, there is no She-Hulk.”

“What? Oh yeah, I forgot. Sorry. Was thinking we were back in the 616. But this is the Movieverse, yeah, I remember now. Wait, no one’s going to sew my mouth closed are they?”

“Um, no?” Although admittedly, Cap does sound tempted.

“Awesome. That looked painful. Don’t know why Ryan-me put up with it, to be honest. I mean, tearing out stitches hurts, but not as much as not being allowed to talk. Are we going to fight now? Ooooo, am I going to get to meet the Hulk?!”

“We don’t let the Hulk out in the Danger Room; too many delicate electronics. Plus, he scares the agents.”

Wade sits up straight (which since his feet were still on the table must have been seriously uncomfortable) and crosses his arms. “Nah ah,” he says, shaking his head. “We’re not going to play if you don’t let Hulk out. You can’t just let the others have all the fun! You’re making Hulk into, like, that weird kid in the corner of the playground that no one will talk too. It’s not nice to leave people out, Mrs Hollinson taught me that!” There’s silence for a moment and then Wade adds, apparently to himself, “ _I don’t care! I want to play with Hulk, you know that’s why we really came!_ ”

“We could use hangar four,” Clint hears himself suggesting. “It’s empty at the moment, and if we explain that it’s a game, I’m sure Hulk won’t break too much stuff.” That’s stupid, even by his standards, but he likes Hulk, and now Wade’s pointed it out, it does seem kinda mean that Hulk isn’t getting to play with them. Plus being able to work with Hulk is one of the most important tests for any potential Avenger.

“This is a bad idea,” Natasha says firmly. “I wish that noted.”

“Duly noted, Black Widow,” Cap responds. “And I agree. Releasing the Hulk is a terrible idea.”

“More terrible than keeping him locked up until he explodes?” Tony demands.

“The beast is a great warrior,” Thor comments, “But it is never wise to release a berserker unless one has to.”

“What about it, Doc?” Wade asks, leaning forward eagerly. “What’s your opinion? Gonna let me play with your monster?”

Tony attempts to disguise his snort of laughter under a cough.

“It’s not a completely terrible idea,” Bruce concedes. “But I will need you to agree to certain ground rules. If this is in the hangar, then it’s sparring, not a simulation, and that could go very wrong.”

“Whatever you say Doc.” Wade salutes.

“You hang back until Tony and Clint have explained what’s going on, and then you let them introduce you. You understand?”

“Yes sir.” He grins, and added to himself, “We’re going to meet Hulk!”

 

oOOOo 

The team is kinda divided about the Hulk. Tony and Clint both love the guy, Cap regardes him as a walking time bomb, Natasha is understandably terrified of him, and Thor, used to berserkers, just takes him in his stride.

“Hey Jolly Green,” Tony says happily when Bruce finishes transforming. “Good to see you!”

Hulk grunts, but is sounds like a generally friendly grunt.

“We’re going to play a game!” Clint says, doing his best not to sound like an excited child. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t succeed.

“Game?”

“Yeah. Play fighting. So it’s like a fight, only no one’s trying to hurt us, so we have to be gentle, okay? No smashing anyone.”

“No smash.” Hulk sounds like a scolded puppy. It’s adorable.

“Sorry big guy. But it’ll still be fun, promise. Oh, and our friend’s come to join in. You don’t know him, but he’s a friend, so try not to break him, yeah?”

“Hnf.” Hulk is clearly unimpressed.

Tony beckons Wade forward. Wade, unlike Clint, is doing nothing to hide his childish glee. He’s bouncing with excitement, and occasionally saying things like “I know!” to himself, apparently carrying on a conversation about how awesome this all is with whatever voices it is he chats to.

“Okay Big Guy, this is Deadpool. Deadpool, this is the Hulk.”

Wade clasps his hands behind his back, like a child trying to stop himself from touching something forbidden. “This is awesome. Like, really properly awesome. And the transformation! That was amazing. Anyone else’s underoos feeling a little big snug right now? No? Just me then. Clearly you’ve all been desensitized.” The mask is stretched with the width of Wade’s grin.

Hulk crouches down, leaning on his knuckles to peer at Deadpool. “Loud,” he decides. “Red.”

“That’s me,” Deadpool agrees. “Loud and red.”

Hulk reaches out and pokes Wade in the stomach with one huge finger. “Talking man.”

To Clint’s amusement, Wade’s legs wobble, like he’s about to swoon.

“I gotta tell you,” Wade says, addressing the room in general, “I am having so many thoughts about those fingers right now…”

“Join the club,” Tony tells him.

“There’s a club? Oooo, do you have badges?”

“Well I did try to make an “I got saved by the Hulk, and all I got was these sexy bruises” t-shirt, but Pepper said she’d leave if I did,” Tony admits.

“Harsh,” Wade says sympathetically.

“Too much talking,” Hulk decides and brings one huge fist down on the spot where Wade had been. Fortunately for SHIELD’s cleaning bills, Wade had leapt to safety milliseconds before, and is now crouched on one of the packing cases that litter the hangar.

“Play nice, Hulk,” Cap says severely.

“Too much talking,” Hulk repeats, but he sounds guilty. He doesn’t have a particularly sophisticated morality, but he understands that if Cap says something is bad, it probably is.

“Oh come on Cap,” Clint says, setting an arrow against his bowstring, “Can’t blame him for wanting to smash Wade.” Aim, tense, release.

“Hey!” Wade yells, rolling sideways so that the arrow only scrapes his shoulder, “I resemble that remark!”

“How are we doing this?” Tasha asks, flipping the safety off on her pistol. “Teams, one on one, every man for himself? All of us versus Deadpool?”

“Can I veto the last one?” Wade asks. “Or anything that means she’s trying to hurt me? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like a chick who knows her way around a gun… _remember Yellena_ … but you scare the crap out of me, lady!”

Natasha grins. She always does like it when men are afraid of her. Clint would have accused her of being a kinky bitch… if he weren’t so terrified of what she’d do to him if he did.

“Teams,” Cap says. “Tony Thor and Hulk versus everyone else.”

Wade executes an unnecessarily fancy back flip, landing in front of Cap and saluting him. “Deadpool reporting for duty sir,” he says. “How d’you want me?”

Cap’s complete ignorance of euphemisms is a source of constant amusement to the rest of the team, but apparently Deadpool’s leer is clear enough, even through the mask, to make Cap blush.

“Bored now,” Tony announces, and shoots a blast of light straight at Cap’s head and shooting up into the air. Tony has a weirdly antagonistic relationship with Cap, that Clint doesn’t understand one bit, and despite seeming to dislike the guy a lot of the time, he really doesn’t like anyone else flirting with him.

Cap easily blocks the blast, deflecting it with his shield. Hulk roars and charges, aiming a swipe at Cap. Cap ducks it just in time, and Deadpool pulls out one of his pistols, firing off a couple of shots at Hulk.

In the background, Clint can hear the distinctive humming of Thor swinging mjolnir, but his attention is on Cap. Tony shoots one of his tiny missiles towards Cap. Cap knocks it aside with his shield, deflecting it into Thor. It explodes almost silently, but the force of it sends Thor tumbling over, skidding along the floor on his back.

Deadpool is doing his best to avoid Hulk’s blows, dodging and ducking, but he’s not quite fast enough, and a blow that makes Clint wince sends Deadpool crashing into the wall in a cacophony of smashing wood and breaking bones.

“Stop gawping Hawkeye,” Natasha yells. “Code Red, shortage.”

He and Tash had come up with codes, for use if they ever had to take out their teammates, when they first joined the Avengers, so he understands. He selects an EMP arrow, and aims it carefully at one of the joints in the Iron Man armor, where it’s weakest. Tony sees it coming and shoots to the side, the arrow bouncing harmlessly off his shoulder.

Tash ducks and rolls, getting in close, and throws one of the electric blue EMP darts, shorting out the electronics in the suit’s left knee. Tony sumersaults, the loss of the repulsor unbalancing him, but he regains it quickly, using his hand repulsors to stabalise himself and make up for the loss of one foot repulsor.

Hulk slams down his fist on the spot where Tash had been, only moments before, but Black Widow never stays in one place for longer than she has to in a fight, and she’s rolled behind a nearby packing case, out of Hulk’s reach. Cap, seeing an opening, throws his shield, bouncing it off Hulks dead, doing nothing more that irritating him a bit, and catches it again on the rebound.

Clint’s so busy watching Tash, protective of her despite her being the toughest person he’s ever met, that he doesn’t see mjolnir until it’s too late. He grabs an explosive arrow, intending to shoot it down, but there’s no time. It slams into him, knocking all the breath out of him and sending him sprawling.

As he tries to catch his breath, he becomes aware of a voice like Demi Moore gargling gravel somewhere off to his left, saying, “How about dinner, when this is all done? Just you and me. What do you say?”

Clint turns, expecting to see Tash looking dismissive, but instead is faced with the unexpected sight of Hulk, staring at Deadpool in wide-eyed shock. Apparently Hulk eventually decides that Deadpool is mocking or insulting him, or maybe he just wants to smash something, because he swings a terrifyingly huge green right-hook at Deadpool. Deadpool dives down, out of the way, and between Hulk’s legs, firing a round into Hulk’s ass as he does.

Clint has never heard Hulk quite so angry. He kicks backwards, catching Deadpool in the side and sending him flying into the box Tash is hiding behind, smashing it, and making Deadpool yell in pain.

Mjolnir flies through the air, slamming into Thor’s hand, and he begins to run toward Cap. Clint scrambles back to his feet, picking up his bow from where it’s fallen from his hand.

Seeing what’s happening, Tash leaps over the prone Deadpool, throwing down two smoke grenades to confuse matters and running toward Cap, from the other side that Thor was charging from. Tony shoots a bursts of repulsor energy into the smoke, but succeeds in hitting nothing but Deadpool, who groans miserably and quotes Lord of the Rings.

Thor brings mjolnir round in a massive arc, and Cap drops to his knees, bringing up the shield so that it blocks the blow with a resounding clang. As the blow connects, Tash appears out of the smoke, runs up Cap’s back and leaps, both fists extended. She looks like a tinier prettier Wolverine, but the move works. Her gloves emit a low level electric shock, like a tazer. Thor lands on his back, Tash crouched on his chest, somehow keeping her balance as Thor slides along the ground from the force of the fall. From the slowly dissipating smoke Deadpool yells, “God surfing!”

Tash rolls away, firing a round at Thor, at close enough range that it actually penetrates his body armor.

Tony fires a blast of repulsor energy at Clint’s hand, knocking his bow away. Swearing, Clint sprints after it. If Tony’s damaged it, he’s going to kill him. With fire. And then force him to make Clint anoter one.

Tony’s readying another blast, and there’s no way Clint can get to his bow in time. But maybe…

He runs at the danger room wall, taking three steps straight up it, and hurling a cable-arrow at Tony as he does it. The teeth on the arrow clamp down, digging into the armour. Clint hurls himself backwards, whooping with delight at the sensation of flight, and using his own momentum on the other end of the cable to pull Tony to the ground.

It takes Clint a moment to regroup, the weight of the armour making his landing heavier than usual. He’s pretty sure he heard something go crunch in his ankle. (Still way better than the Danger Room though).

Behind him he hears Hulk’s roar, and the clang of something hitting Cap’s shield, but he’s focused on finding an acid arrow. When he locates one, he smashes it into Tony’s left hand, watching with satisfaction as the light of the repulsor dies.

Satisfied Tony’s down for a while at least (no repulsors on his left side mean no flight) he turns to watch the rest of the fight.

Deadpool has finally extricated himself from the wreckage, and now Clint can see why he stayed down so long. There’s a long piece of wood, presumably one of the boxes’ edges, sticking right through his chest.

“You alright Deadpool?” Cap calls.

Deadpool laughs. “This is the best day ever!” he crows, pulling the splintered piece of wood out of his chest and using it to hit Hulk on the back of the knee. Clint can see the hangar wall through the hole that’s left behind.

When Hulk turns, fists raised, Deadpool shoots him twice, right between the eyes, and then runs away, laughing to himself like a deranged toddler.

Tash ejects the clip from her gun with a disgusted noise, reaching for another, but Thor’s already there, knocking it out of her hand and catching her up by her belt, hurling her across the room as though she weighs nothing.

Beneath him, Tony begins to struggle. Clint selected a flare arrow, jamming the point into the suit’s visor and screwing his own eyes shut to avoid being blinded by the sudden flash of light. Satisfied that Tony’s grounded, he goes to help Tash.

Their plan for Thor is simple, and one they’ve practiced regularly. With Loki still on the scene and the Enchantress an ever present threat, knowing how to subdue the God of Thunder quickly and painlessly is depressingly useful.

The plan has three parts. Distract him (two of Clint’s taser arrows stabbed through the back of his armour, on the backs of the shoulders where the protection’s thinnest.) Topple him (Tash sliding between his legs, extending her collapsible garrot as she goes, catching his boots and toppling him forward) and hogtie (Tash’s garrot and the chord from two of Clint’s cable arrows get the job done). When they’re finished, Thor is trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, beaming at them fondly.

“Deftly done, my friends,” he tells them, rolling himself onto his back so he can watch the rest of the fight.

Tony’s stirring, beginning to push himself to his knees. Cap makes as if to move towards him, but Deadpool shouts, “mine,” as though Tony is a football, and gives a nearby flatbed trolley a hard shove, leaping on it as it begins to move, using one of his katanas to push it along, building up speed.

Hulk roars and begins to lumber after it, and Deadpool turns, sheathing the katana and unholstering both guns in one smooth movement, firing at Hulk and laughing when Hulk bats the bullets away as though they were flies.

As the trolley nears Tony, Deadpool leaps forward, using Hulk’s flailing fist as a springboard to propelling himself up and over Hulk’s head. One of the semi-automatics clicks, the chamber empty, and he drops it, unsheathing a katana and slashing at Hulk as he flies past, cutting off a lock of his hair.

The trolley hits Tony, and a moment later, so does Hulk.

Deadpool laughs with delights, and yells, “Look out big guy!” He only just manages to duck in time to avoid the trolley, with Tony still tangled up in it, which Hulk throws at his head. The tangled mess of metal and billionaire hit the hangar wall with a resounding clang, leaving a serious dent.

Clint’s tempted (very, very tempted) to just leave Deadpool and Hulk to fight it out and declare whichever is in bigger pieces at the end of it the winner, but he has a feeling that Cap would think that was irresponsible. Stopping the two of them is not going to be easy, Deadpool wired on adrenaline and apparently having the time of his life, Hulk furious and prepared to kill anyone who gets close, friend or foe.

As he watches, Hulk gets in close enough to catch the wrist of Deadpool’s sword hand. The two of them tussel for a few moments, but when it becomes clear that Hulk is not going to let go, Deadpool draws his other katana, and neatly lops of the arm.

Hulk, apparently enraged at finding his prey has escaped him, uses the arm as a club to beat off Cap, who is coming up behind him, apparently in an attempt to sneak up on Hulk.  
Clint retrieves his bow (sadly dented, but not beyond repair) and goes to stand beside Natasha, who’s somehow found an intact packing crate to lean on while she watches.

“They’re never going to stop, are they?” Clint asks, watching as Deadpool, now out of bullets and without a chance to reload, used his gun as a club to hit any part of Hulk he can reach, while Hulk, apparently disorientated by Deadpool’s speed, smashes wildly at everything and anything he can reach.

“Nope.”

“And we can’t just leave them and take bets on which body part Deadpool loses next?”

“Nope.”

“Damn.”

“You have no sense of duty,” Tash tells him, ejecting the clip from her gun to check how many bullets remain. Satisfied, she snaps it back into place and takes aim.

A moment later Deadpool’s head explodes, showering Hulk with blood and brain. Hulk roars in Tash’s general vicinity, but it seems to be more an automatic response than real anger, because a moment later he sits down, apparently calm now his foe has been dispatched, rests his chin on his knees and says, “Bruce now.”

 

oOOOo 

At Cap’s insistence they put Deadpool (the biggest bits of him at least) in the conference room they use for their meetings until he healed.

He doesn’t seem to mind being told he isn’t a fit for the team. He leaves whistling, with the lock of Hulk’s hair he’d cut off tucked safely into one of his belt pouches.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr! I'm gluttonforpunsihment (I can't spell) and lentilswitheverything
> 
> Comments are win and awsome


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